I’ve been developing a condition of late, a seizure that wracks my whole identity, an electric longing spun taut within an endless Answer. Out of the blue– tears. The core of my being, a wash cloth squeezed tight. The vast hands of compassion twisting and pulling, braiding me into a rope that is twined with all beings. Mary knows what I mean, how to hold this space, how to be flooded by the riches of Meaning that flow through and around, never to be repaid. And yet there are no debts.
We meet together beside the gorge, walking amongst a gathering of tigers. They have come to sit near, to just be close, to bathe in a warmth they recognize but cannot define, their eyes narrowed and serene. Where else would they go? Our hearts have become the most precious sort of catnip.
Inside of my core, relief and desire hug one another close at first light, huddled and shaking, momentarily unaware of the cold wind or the dry earth, glimpsing the sun through a tattered shemagh. Moist eyes, a single rivulet of escaped pain, and the knowing that what I could never find the words to contain– this awareness that has ambushed me and pinned me to the wall– has been in love with me for all eternity, and I it. The content of my interior trembling drifts so far off the scale of gratitude, that like ultraviolet light, it is a transformative and revelatory sort of darkness.
The shadows you see are ancestries of beings whose Meaning is contained in my own, as mine is in theirs.
* * * * *
I am thinking tonight about the concept of lineage. We are each members of a family that goes all the way back. How could we possibly fathom what that means? Let your desire be your standard, raised high, and see who rallies around your flag. The help we need is the most potent form of smoke, wafting through the lives we seemingly occupy. You will know you’ve inhaled when your heart twists into a delicious knot, your eyes glisten, and you find yourself unable to move, unable to even whisper the words floating through your mind.
Thank you… Thank you…
While the seizure grips me, I think, how could I not have known this…? I realize how much that forgetting hurt, how much suffering I carried around with me because I thought it was the only way. Like two divers stranded at the bottom of the sea, sharing a bottle of oxygen, this Knowing is the only currency we can truly share– the only Exchange that matters. How to give this away to each drowning being? Look up. The stars have been trying to make this Answer plain all along.