Caught Inside Myself

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Course Ideas / Creative

Some days I am smothered by the feeling that something isn’t quite right.  That feeling is like a manipulative family member- one who is gone for days, off in the world burning brightly, too brightly, who then crashes and returns, moping around the house in a flaunt of bitterness.  Disproven once again, he is nonetheless a fountain of answers and predictions.  He is quick to point out the proper way to slice a tomato, to establish that historically my salads have been witless, ignorant affairs.  He is quick to assert, when I begin to wonder otherwise, what the future holds.

On some days it is as though I am sharing my heart with a strange guest.  It is awkward.  We don’t really know what to say to one another, and I am crowded into a smaller space than I would like.  The heart was built for One.  The peace and quiet I seek remain tucked away, awaiting this stranger’s departure that I may spread out once again, uncoil my boundaries, and breath deeply without encountering a raised brow, or an insinuation.  We keep bumping into one another in the kitchen.  Awkward wordlessness engenders heat.  I’m trying to open the refrigerator door and he’s trying to sneak past to the utensil drawer.  I’m changing the trash bag and he’s trying to empty the dishwasher, to reach around me with a hand full of saucers.  He used the last paper towel and just walked away.

On some days I wonder where I missed the turn.  I feel as though I wandered off the beaten path, beyond the trail’s end, into a no man’s land.  The route is not marked.  I am neither here nor there.  All my past has led to emptiness, but I’m still trying to interpret the route.  I  have walked away from the world without abandoning some piece of it, or accepting what lies beyond it.  I still carry a special artifact in my pocket to remind me of the memory I hold most dear.  I’m in an empty territory where there’s no such thing as knots- just a broad field- but my mind is still tangled, wrapped into and around itself.

It takes a bit of grace to dissolve these untenable states.  We learn to seek the type of right angle turn that leads behind the world.  We stop spinning in place, repeatedly asking our minds what no mind can know, and dissolve.  We soften, and sink.  We reach out, and discover a silk rope dangling from the clouds.  We call to Him who answers.

This is forgiveness- to give this strange feeling everything we have, to make it feel welcome in the places we hold most dear, to take the day off and invite it to join us on a journey to the field that lies beyond all ideas of right and wrong, to attend a short talk on Love.

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